Hi friends! It has been a long while.
The truth is that I just have not been able to since I lost my partner, Victor, on December 28, 2020.
Here are some thoughts and observations that I thought I would share with you, in case you are interested.
Losing someone you love breaks you. Losing someone you love suddenly breaks you more. Losing someone you love suddenly during a pandemic breaks you forever.
My family and I are incredibly close. I have always realized how lucky I am to have the people that I have in my life. When they learned that my parner died, they were beyond devastated. And they could not come to me. Both of my sisters have children, and they would have had to quarantine. My parents are in their 70’s, and, at the time, they had not been vaccinated.
My friends were and have been amazing, visiting when they can (with masks), getting me out for walks, sending food and setting up a meal train.
But he’s gone, I did not get to say goodbye, and I will never be the same. Broken. Putting myself back together, but broken and I will never be whole again.
Do not ask me how Victor died. It is none of your business.
When someone dies suddenly, it is natural to ask how. I do not care what anyone assumes, but the simple fact is this: Vic was incredibly private about everything in his life, including his health. Because of this, I choose to honor him by not discussing it. Regardless of the cause, he is gone, and I am crushed.
There is no right thing to say. The wrong thing to say is nothing.
I am speaking only for myself here, but the best thing to say is something along the lines of “I’m sorry, it sucks.” You can even throw in a swear word. Hearing from people means the world. I do not always want to talk, but I still appreciate people reaching out. I only expected one thing: that if you knew me and you know of my loss, I expect that you reach out. A call, an email, a card, a message or Facebook or Instagram. Not a comment on a post if you know me personally- that is weak.
Saying nothing is the worst. I get that people do not know what to say. But silence says that you do not care. And that hurts.
I am sad that there is not a physical part of Victor that will go on, but I am glad that I do not have children.
There, I said it. I love children. Vic loved children. The timing was never right, and I believe in timing. It was hard enough telling my family and friends that he had died. I will never unhear so much of the agony of those who love me and who loved him. I am selfishly glad that I did not have to tell children that their father died.
I have been completely overwhelmed by my grief. I am still taking things day by day, learning how to live with grief and to rebuild my life.
I started grief therapy right away, and it has been tremendously helpful. I am lucky to have been referred to a great therapist.
That having been said, it took me almost a month and a half to even ask my family how they reacted to the news of Vic’s passing. I did not even think about how painful it was for anyone in my family or my friends.
I am truly humbled and blown away by the many people in my life who have stepped up to offer love and support.
My family has been amazing, which is no surprise to me. My friends have gone above and beyond, in ways that I could not have imagined that I even needed.
In the few weeks after Vic died, I could hardly make any decisions. I did not have an appetite, I did not know what to do, I could not bear to go food shopping.
I am an independent person, but I became completely dependent on others for such things as making flight reservations, having food appear and figuring out what to do with myself.
Suffice to say, I will never complain about going to a friend’s kids party or splurging on a gift or a birthday dinner ever again. Any love or thoughtfulness that I have ever given out, has come back in more than I ever could have dreamed.
I will be making some big moves.
First off is selling my house, because one person and three cats do not need a four bedroom house.
I plan to rent for at least a year, and the cats and I will be in multiple places.
I do not know where exactly yet, so I am not dropping any hints. If you know me at all, you can probably narrow it down!
I realize more than ever that you cannot take anything physical with you when you go.
I have wasted all of m adult life accumulating a lot meaningless things. Victor tried to help me curtail this. He got it. No matter when you have or what you do not have, in the end, it doesn’t matter for you. Neither does having followers on social media or likes on posts.
I realize that I am lucky for what I have, even with what I have lost.
My parents, my sisters, my friends, my cats, my job, my house, my relatively good health. Plans of seeing family (my parents are now fully vaccinated), friends safely and a bit of travel are what I look forward to.
I have two amazing nephews and an incredible niece. My youngest nephew does not know that “Uncle Bic” passed away, and he takes such delight in seeing me that it allows me to lose myself in his innocent spirit, even if for a short time.
I am taking time to rediscover myself, and I am putting mental health first.
I have been treating myself when I feel like it, and while I try to be healthy and not overindulge, I have let myself enjoy what I want. I have worked out occasionally, but not regularly. I am catching up on doctor appointments that I put off because of covid concerns, as it is more important than ever to stay healthy as I am now living alone.
Many thanks to those of you who have supported me, including so many sweet people who I have not even met.
xxoo, Jen
@preppyfrancophile
